Writer, opinionista, essayist, perfumista, picker-up of unconsidered trifles, contributor to all sorts and conditions of publication from the Daily Mail to New Humanist, devoté of Pliny Maior, author of The Chronicles of Bargepole, Big Babies and Lost Worlds, currently working with the great Mike Stoller (of Leiber & Stoller) on a musical about Oscar Wilde. Teach the occasional spot of Tragedy to keep my eye in. Pilot, harpsichordist, cook, photographer, red-hot lover  and self-deluding old goat.

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    ... and if you must... sure to check with a policeman or an officer of the court how often you need to withdraw your johnson in order to check that the condom has not split, thereby exposing you to an Interpol warrant for suspicion of rape.

    Meanwhile, a handy phrase:

    Could you NØT bounce up and down like that, høney; there's only so much these things can take.

    Probably worth reminding yourself of Young's modulus while you're at it.

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